The Kelayah Objective

The Winter of The Sex Offender

Background: It’s a short story I wrote for the jury of the Pulitzer Prize and the Nobel committee. I didn’t know at the time you actually were eligible for a nomination to get the Nobel for an entire body of work and not just singular works like some sort of MTV Awards (is that still a thing?). I thought that since the story was semi-biographical (by which I mean entirely fictional) it might help me get a foot through the door without the concierge trying to slam it shut and ruining my one good pair of shoes as I tried to hinder him. So here it goes:

Eurovision Song Contest ‘013

And I stopped playing Batman: Arkham City for this?!? May the gods of Xbox 360 have mercy on my soul. I’m going to have to take a cold shower and cry and then put on some Serge Gainsbourg and The Walker Brothers and remind myself there was a time when pop music was good.

2 days ago -

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Now, if you’re anything like me and Krieger from the best animated show ever Archer, then you have a girlfriend that’s an anime hologram (with a bitch of a mother that disapproves of your relationship. God I hate her!). But if you’re interested in stepping out of your comfort zone and try dating real girls here’s how you can make the transition easy. There’s a new trend called real life human dolls where girls basically look like dolls. A couple of the most famous examples are (from the above picture) Anastasiya Shpagina and also Valeria Lukyanova. Anastasiya relies on make up to get those huge anime eyes and has on her youtube channel make up tutorials. Granted, Russian ladies are the most beautiful in the world, so they’re already genetically chiseled like goddesses, but adopting the doll look adds a whole new level of surreal beauty. So ladies, now you know what’s on the table for the next beauty ideal. Start reading josei manga and get on it.

3 days ago -

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So, do you love Nazis? Do you get a hard on watching handsome men and women in clear cut Hugo Boss stylish uniforms? Of course you do, what the hell are you even doing here reading this blog otherwise? The good news is that the team behind the huge action/comedy/sci-fi modern classic “Iron Sky” are doing a sequel. From the looks of it they might be pissing off North Korea this time. And as we all know, you just don’t fuck with North Korea or they’ll go John McClane on your ass. Go to their fundraiser site and donate to make this awesome sequel happen. HERE is the link. Earth needs this movie!

4 days ago -

Daft Punk released a new album, their first in eight years. The gods of modern electronic music are back, saints be praised! This track called “Instant Crush” (featuring Julian Casablancas on vocals) will make you fall in love with Daft Punk all over again. The whole album is perfection itself. To paraphrase Manowar “If you’re not into Daft Punk, you are not my friend.” Dance dance dance and fall in love!

4 days ago -

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A message from your Antinomian Overlord:
“Hey kids, your beloved Overlord only wears small girly sized t-shirts, because he’s awesomely thin and sexy. Beach season is coming and you don’t want to look like a fat sow/pig in your bathing suit, now do you? Because nobody will love and fuck you and you’ll die alone. So start smoking and starving yourself and you’ll be thin in no time. Remember, bones are sexy!
- End of communique”

1 week ago -

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Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

Daniel Tosh (Tosh.0, S04.Ep15)

3 weeks ago -

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When I get a time machine #2

So many people that confronted with the postulate “If you could go back in time what would you do?” would say “Kill Hitler”. Granted it’s not the worst answer, but I would go much earlier than that. Specifically to Baghdad year 1258 when the city was conquered and ransacked by Mongols under the command of Hulagu Khan (grandson of Genghis Khan). When they conquered Baghdad the Mongols utterly destroyed hospitals, homes and the city’s prolific library called Bayt al-Hikma (House of Wisdom) which was a translation institute and research center and held copies of all western and Arabic literature on all subjects. Witnesses to the Mongols’ destruction claim the rivers of Tigris ran black with the ink of the destroyed manuscripts under half a year. Who knows what great books we’ve lost?
When I get a time machine I will take a 3D projector (battery operated of course by Duracell, one cannot trust those ancient Persian batteries) and a huge canvas and put it outside the western walls of Baghdad and display Avatar on it. I imagine the Mongols will flee in panic because of this mighty sorcery and just ransack Russia … or whatever, not like the Russians didn’t have it coming anyway.

1 month ago -

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When I get a time machine #1

Contraceptives have been used since the dawn of THAT man that had figured out that when he boned a woman a baby would pop out 9 months later and didn’t want that. One of the contraceptive forms during the 18th century was a diaphragm made of half of lemon inserted in the vagina.
When I get a time machine I’ll go back in time to see who came up with this idea and how he did (because obviously it was a guy) convince women to shove half a lemon in their vaginas telling them it would prevent pregnancy. And film it on my iPhone for … erhm … posterity and archival purposes.

1 month ago -

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Today, 18.IV.2013, the calendar marks an important day for us comic book lovers. It’s 75 years since a certain all-powerful alien boy scout Man of Steel debuted in DC’s premiere issue of Action Comics (which on a side note featured John Zatara, the father of current day Zatanna). Created by Joe Shuster and Jerry Siegel, Kal-El was a product of these young Jewish boys’ idea of embodiment of the American dream: strength, determination, compassion, justice for all regardless of socio-economical status, humanistic in his philosophy, rising from a simple farmer background with his inherent alien genes to a respected big city journalist and secretly a superhero. Do yourself a favour and read a Superman story ark today, be it by Alan Moore or Grant Morrison or the old ones penciled by Curt Swan or watch the old cartoon series or the new ones, whatever. One of the most enduring pop culture icons is 75 years old today. Three cheers to another 75 years and beyond!

1 month ago -